I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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