i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
