Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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