Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
