I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
