guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
