I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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