I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
