I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
