you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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