I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
