you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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