she was so not down for the gang bang
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
