my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
