Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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