You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
