Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
