where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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