My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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