Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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