Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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