i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
