The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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