Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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