Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
