Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
