last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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