I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
