He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
