Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
did i walk over a car last night?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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