College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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