Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
