can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
