i need an iv and a liver transplant
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
