My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
