my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
