Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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