i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I did not marry a roomba.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
