You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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