how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
