The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
