just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
