I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
