And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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