I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
