It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
