barbara walters just said penis...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
