Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
