i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
