Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
