tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
me + whiskey = a bad person
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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