Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
